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CRAZY 11.27.02
"How was I supposed to know you were so screwed up?" you demand
I answer your question:"in a million ways at once"
Don't you see my psychosis
in the way I seek eye contact when you're busy elsewhere
(my way of saying I lack confidence)
In the way I sometimes just walk away
my method of controlling the thoughts that slip like earthworms
struggling for escape from my five year old hands
I'm afraid if I drop them they will slither off in a million diffrent directions
i am barely holding myself together
can't you see it in my eyes
in my gait as I run from you?
In the strain of the knuckles in my hands
when I tell myself no one's looking
(even though I know you are)
Did you know
my fingers are grasping at intangible thoughts
struggling to bring substance to something I can't see
struggling to hold on to you, all I have left
to tie me to this world
In my persistant questioning after small details
I am alert i am concerned i am here
my mantra
until I have latched onto something unimportaint and trivial
then I become paranoid
When you stare into my eyes
do you not see my bewildered lost little girl look?
I know you do
are you ignoring me as I slowly slip away? I AM EMOTION 11.19.02
I am emotion worn raw by apathy
twisted in your dark glow
you see me only when you don't look for me
you see me but you don't know
Lost in your eyes I watch the future
Like an animated movie screen
Following it along the twisted contours
of silence as you dream
I am emotion smothered by hunger
burried deep in desparate desire
I am everything that makes you wonder
I am ice with a core of fire
Do you know the loss you suffered
before your life even began?
brathing liquid, floating in stasis
grasping with unformed hands
I am that loss, that unnamed grief
when you look into my eyes
that unrecognizible ache the intangible longing
that makes you want to cry
I am emotion you never experienced
As it was ripped casually from your heart
YOur soul is empty, waiting for death
because I was gone from the start. SHADOWS 10.20.02
Our shadows merged and seperated tho we never touched
And I cried my fake tears and you laughed your fake laugh
we are both so unsure of our place in this world
our shadows distort our figures into undefinable shards
mocking as they remain comfortably grounded
never challenged by the sky, the intangible clouds
my fingers grasp around me chasing my own cloud phantoms
your eyes twitch and follow your dreams
the air between us is charged with longing for an answer
desire for a question that will ease the tension of not knowing
I know instinctively with one wrong move I will crumble
clinging perilously to the edge of individuality
as we hang in stasis, shadows joined, souls seperated
what are we afraid of, anyway?
Sacrosanct 10.28.02
sacrosanct tears for a cause not holy
wasted on heartbreak meant to be
lost youth, like children, drown in silence
drown in the voices they won't set free
Logic is the destruction of all emotion
emotion destroys all reason
the twisted paradox, like an unloved child
is pushed away in this lonely season
HOw can you refuse to believe what I present as true?
I know my cause is just
I am in tears from frustration at my ineptitude
From the outside my skin begins to rust
tiny pieces of me slowly flake away
I watch them as my tears burn
why tell me please won't you listen to the truth?
I struggle in silence as away you turn
My voice strangles me slowly
the heartbreak is all mine
you refuse to yeild to logic or emotion
you search for what you'll never find.
Night eyes 10.23.02
In my imagination you tremble even though the fear is my own
the night stares at me with wild eyes begging for a confession
but how can I confess what i do not understand?
The chaos is ripping me to tiny shreds, splatters of thought
splashed carelessly across the desolate sky
(I believe the scientific name is stars)
each pricking me with the guilt of my secrets
Even as they remain coldly out of reach
refusing to answer my silent pleas for forgiveness
sleep writhes in the corner of my eye
but turning to catch it, it is gone
twisting away like a spiderweb in the breeze
And all that remains are those wild night eyes
and those tiny pin-prick guilt-stars
Finally I redeem terror of the heavens as my own
and you cease to tremble b/c all you see is the night sky.
Grave of Time 10.7.02
you don't know me
you lived and died
and now I walk over your bones
never certain you existed
you have a story, I'm sure
do you speak it through the ground;
the grass, the trees?
Is the light breeze against my face
really your fevered whispers begging attention
"please, please, may I have your attention please?"
or am I just being morbid
as you crumble into dust below me
if you even exist at all
if my mind allows you to
Now I realize, and I believe
you never really existed
and the entire past
is just a figment of my imagination
marching away
over the grave of time.
I me you we wonder 9/02
Is there a reason you wish to make me cry? I wonder
I don't think you mean to, trust is my indoing.
I never longed for your promises dear,
and now they will be broken, such is my prophecy.
Is there a reason you wish to love me?
Aside from the obvious answer, which is no
forcefed off the spoon of your own maturity
me blinded by my desire to trust
You are lost in your own maturity, you are lost in your sense of right
I wonder how we ended up this way
you wonder why I'm so screwed up
maybe you could ask me nicely and I'd tell you
pour out my heart to you under the guise of misguided trust
but no, distance has made us both arrogant
and you watch me and I watch you and we both wonder
is it too late?
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