A journal entry:
4:15pm 5.6.02
Sometimes I think that I am the only person who actually exists in the sense that I see it, that everyone around me is something completely diffrent, non-human, and I am all alone. Sometimes I think my whole life is a hallucination and In reality, wherever or whenever that is, I'm tied down in some rubber room wearing a straight-jacket and screaming incoherently at the walls. (hey, on the bright side, I'd have to have been pretty creative to have thought up this entire existance all on my own!) Sometimes I think we are just illusions in someone elses head for amusement. Sometimes I think everyone can read minds but me and they're all reading my thoughts and seeing how fake I can sometimes be. You know, sometimes I actually convince myself to believe it, and it scares the hell out of me. What it all comes down to is that sometimes I can convince myself I am a complete and total stranger to everyone, and everything I know has an ellement of fakery. Which is what I'm afraid of. Fakery. But if my entire world is fake, would I really want to give it up for the reality of, say, a rubber room?That scares me too, having to start my mind all over. So I guess one can say I'm afraid of reality but afraid of illusion. The problem being, there's no happy medium. I can't just pick and choose, which is maybe whyI throw myself into what ever (illusion or reality) I'm experiencing right now......Because if it's not real but I think it's real then I can trick my own mind.

Everyone has something they're addicted to, something that comes between them and God at one point in their life. Something that they may know is wrong, but that they don't care. My problem lies in the fact that if they took me to a shrink she'd diagnose me as obsessive-compulsive. I have a new one of those things every week. Usually they're harmless and it still takes me a while to kick the habit. But what happens when I, like most people, grow attached to a habit that is degrading or morally wrong? I do not have the willpower (like some people whom I really admire) to pull myself out of it, without a tremendous ammount of work. Take for example, lying. Simple white lies, nothing big, but it grew and expanded so badly.

Trust God with the innocence of a child. We have all grown up and now the task remains to grow down
again. Because Jesus himself said, you must trust with the unquestioning faith of a child in order to
enter Heaven. But questions are human nature and growing down is harder even than growing up. Why?

Sometimes I wish we could go back in time. Not to change things, persay, but to enjoy what it was like to
get simple pleasure out of playing pretend and knowing for sure everyone loved you. Like one of my
flavorite memories. playing on the playground one day I flipped upside down and just stared at the
sky. In a brief moment of first-grade depth, I realized what a round bright blue sky it was, and how small
I was. I remember in particular noticing the skys color, and wondering at how God had made all the
diffrent colors. That was before I grew into doubt, the skin all humans wear. Back then, there was always
milk in the fridge and everyone loved me. And God always seemed sooo real. I always thought he was what
everyone believed in. I remember the first time I told someone with conviction about Jesus and she
didnt have a clue what I was talking about. Crash boom go my illusions. And it was only 2nd grade. blah.
Now I have to struggle to surpass doubt, and I just recently found I am not alone there either.

An odd journal entry that I'm sure must have a deep thought in it somewhere.
11.29.02 11:21 pm

I cant sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep 3 times. a mantra. I need someone here with me right now, this very moment, to put their arms around me and talk to me for hours and hours and convince me again that I exist because I think I've forgotten.... Oh don't be silly. I know deep down in my cells and molecules that this is all pointless, but it's all okay as long as I don't question too closely, as long as I pretend I'm too dumb to think that way, to wonder why god put us here on earth anyway if he already knew who was going to end up in heaven or hell.... sometimes when I'm really honest I'll admit to myself that even believing in God does not give me a point for existance....